Goodbye, Panda.

What do you think of when you think of a Panda?  Cute? Big? Bamboo?  I venture a guess to say all of the above and more.  Did you know that Pandas are known to attack humans?  It is presumed that these attacks are more out of irritation than aggression.  This concept sounds so familiar to me.

The kids I work with attack humans too.  I presume that these attacks are often as a result of irritation and not aggression.  They are away from home, or they have absolutely no concept of what home is in the first place.  They are in the care of strangers.  We have a lot of expectations.  We have a lot of rules.  No matter how much we care (and the staff is incredibly caring), we are still temporary and there to do a job.  The kids know that.  We bring in our outside day and the kids can see it.  Sometimes we bring yesterday's Panda attack into the next day because we are frustrated.  And all of this is piled on top of previous years of inconsistent caregivers, abuse, neglect, and overall instability.  I would be irritated too.  So, sometimes the kids I work with attack humans.

But they work hard too.  When you step in front of a child who is going after someone he feels has wronged a friend of his and he lets you help him instead of attacking you, he is working hard.  When a girl grumbles all the way to her room to change into pants because you told her 50 degrees does not mean she can wear shorts, she is working hard.  That little guy who finally remembers to raise his hand before blurting out the most groundbreaking news which makes no real sense is working hard.  We often have to appreciate small positive changes.  It is a rare occasion when we get to see a big "turnaround".  When a child who has to argue about everything and seems to either verbally or physically be attacking everyone all the time learns to compromise.  When she smiles more often.  When she not only memorizes the lyrics to the song "Keep Your Head Up", but learns the meaning of the lyrics.  When you have told her enough times, "when you try you do well" that she begins to believe in herself just enough to write "I will try to keep my head up" in her thank you card to you. They work so hard.

And sometimes they will slip.  They may even fall.  We won't always be there to catch them.  After all, we are temporary and there to do a job.  And the kids know that.  And while someone else is busy helping them up, we still have a job to do.  On Friday I was busy.  I had what felt like a million loose ends to tie up before the holiday weekend.  Deadlines and paperwork threaten to steal the meaning of our work all of the time.  But never for long.  As I rushed back and forth between the cottage and my office, one of our newest girls said to me, "I want to spend time with you".  I told her I would see her before I left for the day and I continued to rush around.  I almost forgot.  But I didn't.  She washed dishes and I complemented her on how good she was doing.  And just before I left she shared a book with me that she has in her room.  It is about a gorilla who befriends a kitten.  How appropriate.  

And what will become of the Panda?  I am not sure.  Maybe she will continue to attack adults on account of her irritation.  Maybe we will learn to stop irritating her.  It will have to be both.  For now, I say goodbye to the Panda and make room for other creatures.  

The Cottage to the Right

Yesterday at work I got one of those messages that makes you feel helpless as a therapist. A former client was "escalated" and her caseworker was calling me for help because no one has a relationship with the new therapist yet. As I attempted to talk to this client, and as she mostly spoke in a pressured and raised tone of voice, I tried to distract her.  I asked what she had been doing during her break from school.  She said, in an overly sarcastic tone, "Yeah, Christmas. Blah, blah, blah...". Attempting to make a connection, I mentioned the very nice message she had left me on Christmas.  I told her it made me smile.  Her reply was simple and it was the only time during the conversation when her tone of voice seemed genuine.  She said, "How do I know it made you smile?" Ouch.  I felt a dull pain in my chest.  Why hadn't I called her to tell her it made me smile? It would have taken no time at all.  Don't get me wrong, I am not so silly or self-centered to think that this particular episode had anything to do with me and my lack of acknowledgement of the gesture she made.  However, it got me to thinking about the fact that we often miss opportunities to tell those we care about how we feel.  Or more importantly, how they make us feel.

When I got off the phone, I had solved nothing.  I was not really sure if I had helped at all.  Helpless is a tough one to swallow as a professional helper.  So, I did what I often do when I feel discouraged at work.  I entered the cottage to the right of my office where the little ones live.  I know that within ten seconds I will be able to engage with a child under the age of nine who will brighten my day (or evening as this occasion would have it).  I was not disappointed.  He is six and today he seems to be preoccupied with birthdays.  Maybe it is because one of the other children is having a birthday tomorrow, who knows.  I don't really care.  All I know is during the next five to ten minutes we planned out my entire birthday.  According to this particular youngster I should go to Chuck E. Cheese, and then to a friends' house.  "Do you have a friend at your house?" he asks.  "No, I live by myself" I reply.  His next question is if I fall asleep with the lights off.  I proceed to tell him that I usually leave the TV on because I don't like it to be completely dark.  He agrees that this is a good idea because he, too, gets scared in the dark.  When it was time for me to leave, I gave him a hug.  In my mind it was a thank you for cheering me up.  As I walked away, he chased after me.  "One more hug?" he asked, shortly followed by, "Ten more?"  I said just one more would do.  In that instant he made a compromise without speaking.  He gave me one more hug that lasted as long as it took him to count to ten out loud.

I highly recommend the Cottage to the Right for birthday suggestions and hugs.  I left work with a smile on my face and I made sure he knew it.